In therapy, it's always about changing one's behavior. Future behavior. Setting boundaries, standing up for oneself, expressing needs. Sounds logical. But what if the very thing I'm supposed to change is simply me? What if my "being too nice," my "helping others and putting myself last" is simply part of who I am? How do you change something that is so much a part of you that it almost defines your personality? And I can also be completely different, not "nice" – that is, I am certainly not such a do-gooder (as it might sound above).
Between Desire and Reality
I don't want to freak out. Not ghost, not hurt people, and not hurt myself, not fall into anger. But the alternative – "do it differently, act more mature" – sometimes feels like a costume that doesn't fit me. It's not that I don't want to. It's more: I can't. Or only for a short time. And then I fall back into old patterns.
Old Habits Die Hard
As a child, I never learned to speak my needs aloud. There were more important things. So I swallowed them. Binge eating, vomiting – that was somehow easier than asking for help. That's how I was raised and how I became: nice, adaptable, always somehow supportive. That's what I want to be. I'm proud of that. But it also comes at a price.
Therapy Resistant?
Sometimes I tell myself and my therapist: Maybe I'm just therapy-resistant. We talk, we plan – and I don't implement it. Then I feel ashamed of it. But: It's not due to laziness or disinterest, but because it bends me too much. I am who I am. And that's Daniel.
Between Failure and Pride
There are days when I like myself just the way I am. Because everyone knows me that way. Because my "too much" is sometimes also my "special." And yet I despair that I keep failing. Perhaps that's the truth: I don't know what to do next. And maybe I don't even have to.
