It’s been a year now – and yet it feels like it was just last week. So often I still dream of those moments when I saw you fighting. That image of you gasping for air – life in your eyes, while your body could barely go on.
I think of you so incredibly often. I ask myself what Grandpa would have done, what he would have said. And every time I come to the same answer: You would have said “Yes,” you would have just done it – without complaint, without much fuss. You rarely showed what was truly going on inside you. But I remember that one moment in the clinic in Lohr, when you visited me. As you were leaving, you quietly said, “Get well soon” – and there were tears in your eyes. That hurt me so much, because I never wanted to make any of you sad.
That’s why I wish even more that you were still here with us:
Because you would see that I’m slowly getting my life together. That I’ve expanded the alpaca shop. That I haven't been back to the clinic once in the past year. That I’ve moved. That I’m 33 now – but of course, I still feel like 25. And often behave like it, too. And yes: I have more tattoos. I couldn't help it, I'm sorry. Or maybe not! But it's still not all perfect. I'm still looking for my place in this world. And myself. With my too many thoughts and feelings.
You would see that Mom is still Mom – with her worries and moods, but also her strength. I know she will find her way. She keeps fighting, because after every low comes a high. You just can’t lose hope.
That your son is navigating life with his family. That your two “little” granddaughters will become very strong women, each in their own unique way.
That the alpacas are still eating. Every day. As always.
That Grandma still wears her hearing aids whenever she feels like it. That she's holding up bravely, even though it's not easy. But she’s not made of sugar, and everyone helps as best they can.
Much is still the same – just without you on the sofa at 6:00 PM when “Wer weiß denn sowas?” is on.
I hope you're watching from above – and thinking your own thoughts. Just like you always did!
